In three weeks, I'm heading back to Minnesota to celebrate my 20th high school reunion. I have been planning the event, so it has been on my mind a lot lately (well, behind Joshua and his issues, the Colorado wild fires affecting so many of my friends, and worrying about leaving our family and friends with our upcoming move to who-knows-where-the-Air Force-will-send-us). The other day I was reflecting on the past. It has been TWENTY years since high school, and I think I have aged all 20 of those years in the past 12 months. Up until 2011, I considered myself relatively unchanged from those glory days. Sure there have been minor stresses with med school and residency, but my life was pretty much happy and carefree, and I always felt younger than my actual age.
Everyone experiences crises at one point or another, but I have had the unique experience of having the three biggest ones in my life crammed into 12 months. We had been trying for baby #2 for about a year, and we found out we were expecting last spring. In June, I was trucking along through the usual first trimester fatigue with excitement for the little baby growing inside me. Finally, at nine weeks, I had my first OB appointment. They did a routine ultrasound to confirm the dates, and SURPRISE, IT'S TWINS! Wow! How exciting! I have always wanted twins, and I even remember telling friends in high school that someday I wanted one boy then twin girls. Could it really be possible? The ultrasound tech labeled the two gestational sacs as "Twin A" and "Twin B." While I was very excited, I sensed something wasn't right because the sacs were empty. "Uh, there are no babies in there," I said. She didn't sound too concerned. "It's ok, they don't show up on ultrasound until the 6th or 7th week." We were sure of our dates, and I did the math, pretty sure 6, or even 7, weeks wasn't possible. She got the doctor, and he said, "It looks like a normal 6 week twin ultrasound. Don't worry. Let's just recheck it in a week."
I went home with mixed feelings, so excited about the possibility of twins but afraid of the worst case scenario. I was so anxious about the possibilities, overcome with worry. That night, I woke up a few times in a panic, and I had horrible insomnia. I was wracked with fear, a feeling that I was very unfamiliar with. The next night, I finally tried to turn it over to God. As I was doing my devotions, I felt Him say two words crystal clear to me: "TRUST ME!" It wasn't audible, but it was loud and clear. It came out of nowhere, and I had no doubt He spoke directly to my heart. I had no idea if He meant "Trust me; they are fine, and everything will go perfectly with this pregnancy" or "Trust me; my plan for you doesn't involve meeting these babies until you get to Heaven, but I'll take even better care of them than you ever could." Either way, I felt a huge wave of peace spread through me. I slept soundly, and I was relaxed and confident in His plan for our family, whatever it may be.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6
Over the next week, I let myself plan and dream about the twins, which I was almost positive were both red headed girls; I even bought a bunch of baby girl clothes at a garage sale. I know it wasn't wise to get my hopes up, but I just couldn't stop myself from the anticipation. Unfortunately, the latter "Trust me" scenario won out. That next ultrasound looked exactly the same as the first, and another repeat a week later also looked the same, no visible babies and no growth of the sacs. We had three weeks to emotionally process it, and I just prayed things would happen naturally, so we wouldn't have to make a decision to have them medically or surgically removed. It was almost a relief when things started to pass, but it was the worst night of my life.
Since then, I have shared this experience with several girlfriends, and I am amazed at how common miscarriages are. It seems like about 80% of women I talked to had a story of their own of losing a baby, and I had no idea. I wish I could have been there for them. It makes me wonder, why is this such a secret pain that women endure? We wait to announce the pregnancy for this very reason, but then we have to go through the pain alone. Just when you need to be uplifted the most, it's so secretive, but you want friends to help lift you up. I had an extremely supportive husband at my side, but I was thirsting for female companionship to guide me through it. Thankfully our families were very supportive, and we got through it. One family member told me she had miscarried her first pregnancy (I had no idea), and had she not, she never would have had her daughter, who was conceived a few months later. While it was such a difficult experience at the time, she can't imagine living without the daughter she loves so much. That was probably the best perspective I received, and it was a great reminder that God has a master plan that is bigger than we can fathom. Ironically, the day before my first ultrasound, I read the book
Heaven Is For Real, by Todd Burpo. I highly recommend that book to anyone who has experienced a miscarriage. It gave me a new, hope filled perspective that helped me get through the situation.
Two months later, we found out we were pregnant again. I think we all know how that pregnancy went. You can read the past posts for the full scoop on Joshua. It was stressful from day one...lots of bleeding, no weight gain, just not feeling right...then the snowball of complications. James and I were rehashing the whole experience the other day, and he pointed out something interesting. While blogging was very therapeutic for me, I never even mentioned one thing that was very worrisome for him. After all of the issues that came up, one dreadful thing after another, we had a positive test which showed Joshua had a 99.7% chance of having spina bifida (or another neural tube defect). I was so oversaturated at that point, that I just reported in this blog, "It's probably just a false positive, so I'm not going to worry about that," and I shoved it from my mind. It was like a protective mechanism, and I couldn't take any more, so I just chose not to think of it. James, on the other hand, being an orthopedic surgeon, was very keen to the diagnosis, and he was very upset about the possibility of it. I had no idea how stressed he was. The first thing he wanted to see after Joshua was born was his back since that's how spina bifida is diagnosed. Thank goodness it was normal. I wish I had a nickle for every scenario in which Joshua beat the odds.
The third crisis of the past year happened on New Year's Eve, just a few weeks before I went on bedrest with Joshua. I was working a shift in the ER, and James called asking what I thought about some redness on Jeremiah's scrotum. In a 22 month old, it's most likely irritation or inflammation or even an infection. We decided to keep an eye on it and wait until morning to take him in to the doctor. The next morning, I got a call from James saying Jeremiah was being wheeled into emergency surgery. Wow. That was a shocker! To make a very long story short, he had testicular torsion (where the testicle twists around itself, ultimately cutting off the blood supply, killing the tissue), virtually unheard of in his age, and they had to remove his testicle. That was a blow to the gut. Our poor little, sweet, innocent boy had to undergo a major surgery, and it broke our hearts. We were kicking ourselves wondering what we could have done to save his testicle. In retrospect, it happened 72 hours before. He had a period of about 40 minutes of crying inconsolably (very uncharacteristic of our happy kid), and we couldn't figure out what the problem was. I examined him, and his ears and everything (as far as I knew) checked out fine. When he was clingy the next day, I thought it was because he missed his cousins we visited a few days before. Then he acted completely normal. Even on the morning of the surgery, he was running around playing like he was fine. In true Jeremiah fashion, our tough kiddo bounced back so quickly like it never happened. When he hits puberty, his remaining testicle will work overtime to compensate for the missing one, so there won't be any hormonal issues. It's just unfortunate that he lost his spare. Doctor's orders: extreme contact sports such as bull riding and extreme motocross are out of the picture. As a mother, I say fine with me! Who knows, maybe someday he'll be a Tour de France winner like another one-testicled person we all know. It didn't seem to negatively affect Lance Armstrong's performance one bit.
There you have it, a quick (ok, not at all quick) summary of our difficult year. Even now, when I write this, I get choked up just thinking of what we went through, so I don't think I'm completely "healed," but it does help me to write. I'm not saying we had it any worse than anyone else, but for us, these were all pretty major experiences. Two weeks ago, when we were anticipating a possible evacuation due to the Waldo Canyon Fire, we were concerned about Joshua handling the smoke and our friends who lived so close to the fire, but other than that, it really didn't phase us. We thought as long as our family was safe, the worst case scenario would be losing our house and belongings. Who cares? Sure it would be a hassle with insurance and replacing things, and we don't mean to belittle that heartbreaking outcome that nearly 350 families had to face, but after our rough year, our perspective has changed tremendously. It's all "just stuff."
We consider July 1, 2012 our New Year's Day, relieved to have the past 12 months behind us. For now, things are looking better already. Jeremiah is as happy and healthy as can be. Joshua has far exceeded our expectations (despite our calendar filled with appointments with the pediatrician, developmental pediatrician, peds cardiologist, physical therapist, speech therapist, occupational therapist, and dietitian, all in a 10 day period). We have no complaints. While it has been difficult, we praise the Lord for being faithful to us. We have no doubt things could have been a lot worse than they were. When I return home for that reunion, I may not have the same lighthearted attitude I used to have, but I know my character and faith have been strengthened beyond my wildest expectations, and I think that maturity counts for a lot.
And I will put this third into the fire, and refine them as one refines silver, and test them as gold is tested. They will call upon my name, and I will answer them. I will say, ‘They are my people’; and they will say, ‘The Lord is my God.’” Zechariah 3:19
