He's Got the Whole World In His Hands

It has only been a few days of going back and forth to the NICU, and I'm already feeling guilty as a mom.  When I'm in the hospital with Joshua, I feel like I'm missing Jeremiah, and when I'm home with Jeremiah, I feel like I'm neglecting Joshua.  Even though both are getting great care when I'm not there, it's hard feeling like I should be two places at once.

My eyes were opened this morning.  I woke up thinking of Joshua, wondering if he was doing ok in the hospital, with that similar twinge of guilt wondering if I should stay overnight there.  Jeremiah was up and at 'em, wide awake at 5:45, about an hour earlier than his usual wake up time.  Two months ago, I may have been annoyed to have to wake up so early.  But, after so many weeks of James or my mom taking over early morning duty, I was excited to get up, happy to be getting back into a normal routine.  We usually cuddle and read first thing in the morning, but today he woke up ready to dance.  "Music!"  I started the CD player, and a new CD came on.  The song was "He's got the whole world in his hands..."  While I was smiling at Jeremiah bobbing his head, the second verse really hit me:  "He's got the tiny, little baby in his hands...He's got tiny, little Joshua in his hands..." I did a double take to see if I heard it right, and I felt like the song was directed right at me.  Through Jeremiah and his excitement to play music, I felt like God was telling me, "Lighten up.  You don't have to do it all.  I've got this covered.  I gave Joshua great nurses to take care of him, and I'm right there with him ALWAYS, so you don't have to worry.  Just enjoy Jeremiah right now."  What a great life lesson.  When I feel overwhelmed, I need to remember that God has it all in His hands, so there's no need to feel pressure to be or do more than what's possible for me.  Yet another friendly reminder to let God work His plan.  As a friend of mine wrote in a card to me, "Lean on Him.  He has really broad shoulders.  He can handle it." 

NICU update:  Joshua had another great day.  He's off the lights, and he's tolerating his tube feedings well, 2 cc every 4 hours.  He seems to get more relaxed and comfortable each day.  I got to hold him for over an hour and a half today.  He was on his tummy against my chest while I was reclined back.  At one point, he got antsy like he wanted to change positions, and he pushed his arms straight against me and momentarily lifted his head completely off my chest.  I don't know what normal is for this age, but his strength was pretty impressive to me.

Tonight, as I was putting Jeremiah down to bed, I said, "ok, let's say prayers."  Usually he just stays quiet while we pray.   Tonight, he reached out and grabbed my hand, and before I could say anything, he said, "Jeeeeeeeeeeees...Beebee Joshua...aaaaamenntt."  It was so sweet. 

 

Since Joshua got video coverage yesterday, it's Jeremiah's turn now. Here he is showing off his different faces for the camera.