This morning I finished my 3:00 AM pumping session and tried to fall back asleep. Failing miserably, I gave up and drove to the hospital to see Joshua. It ended up being a great decision because at 5:00, he was wide awake and hungry. I had him on my breast for 35 minutes, and he drank for 20 of those minutes. It was so successful that we didn't need to add any more milk through his NG tube. I was excited, and it was so fun to have him acting like a normal baby and me acting like a normal mom. We had fun the rest of the morning together, just cuddling. I usually just do kangaroo care, so I only see the top of his head, if that. Today I held him in my arms and looked at him for a couple of hours, and that was fun to see his face while he was sleeping.
At 7:30 AM, he woke up on his own, acting hungry (it was the first time he initiated it with me picking up on his cues to start early, rather than just scheduled q 3 hours), so I put him back on my breast. He ate for a total of 11 minutes, so we gave him half his normal amount of milk through the NG tube. Then he pulled out the NG tube again. Poor guy had to go through getting a new tube for the 4th time in a week. I don't think it's faulty tape to blame...he's just so smart he figures out how to pull it out MacGyver-like. My child is brilliant! :)
I was all excited...until the team came in to round. There's a different doctor on the team (they rotate in and out every week), the one who was on during our NEC scare. This one, Dr. T, is nice, but she's more matter of fact, cut to the chase-like, instead of more touchy-feely and sweet like the dr last week. Dr. T has more of a surgeon's no-nonsense personality, and James likes her and can relate well to her. In my more emotional, hormonal, mommy mode, I tend to prefer the touchy feely style. Anyway, today Dr. T knocked the wind out of my sails a little. I was so excited, thinking we're ready to be on our own, going home soon, etc. She said she wanted to get a follow up echocardiogram in 4 weeks. I said, "Oh, good. We're supposed to follow up with cardiology two weeks after we go home, so the timing will be perfect." She looked at me like I was crazy, and she said, "oh boy, you really ARE optimistic, aren't you!" She said it's hard to predict, but she's thinking more like 4 weeks. That made me feel a little bad because I had 1-3 weeks in my head, heavy on the 1 week side. No sense getting worked up over things out of my control, I guess; I just have to adjust my mindset.
She delivered one other blow, too. She was nice about it, but she said she doesn't want me breastfeeding more than two times a day for awhile, until he gets bigger. My breastmilk alone has about 20 calories per ounce, and they supplement it to make it 28-29 calories/ounce. He needs that extra nutrition, so they want almost all of his feeds to be my pumped milk suped up with their calorie concoction. My little body builder needs his protein shakes to build up those muscles! So much for being excited about breastfeeding... {Zoom in here for close-up of my sad face with trombone going "wwwwwwhhhhaaaaaaa-wwwwuuuuuuuhhhhhh, Debbie Downer style}.
It is getting harder and harder for me to be away from Joshua. It is so not natural for a mom and baby to be separated. Of course, we are not the only ones going through this, and compared to many other families, we have it easy. I realize that. But it's still hard. I don't want to miss out on any moment, even if it's just a diaper change. I also don't want to miss out on anything with Jeremiah. He is so resilient and is handling everything so well. He's loving all this one on one time with James, his grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins, and he is getting great care when I'm gone. But I feel like I'm missing out. I see Jeremiah even more attached to James, and it makes me feel bad that I'm not his "main squeeze" anymore. I can't have it all, so I just have to be patient for awhile. It won't be long (I hope!) before we can adjust to our new normal, home together as a family. I keep telling myself to appreciate the help we have in the NICU. I imagine I'll have moments that I wish I could have "free" (if you call thousands of dollars a day free) childcare and get a break from two kids. Ok, that's enough whining for now.
James and I had an interesting revelation last night. We have had some tension between us for a couple of days. Finally, I couldn't stand it any longer, so I just blurted out, "I feel some resentment toward you because you are handling this all so well, Mr. Smooth, and I feel like an emotional wreck." He was shocked, and he said, "You're kidding. I was thinking the same thing about you! You actually think I'm handling this well?" Big eye opener for each of us. I think being in survival mode, we each have been wrapped up in our own thoughts, feeling like we aren't doing well, but trying to act like we are. As with any issue in marriage, communication is soooo important! Just talking it out helped so much. After this discussion, we did our devotional, and it was so perfect for us right now. It's from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young, dated April 15th. Check it out:
"Trust Me, and don't be afraid. Many things feel out of control. Your routines are not running smoothly. You tend to feel more secure when your life is predictable. Let Me lead you to the rock that is higher than you and your circumstances. Take refuge in the shelter of My wings, where you are absolutely secure.
When you are shaken out of your comfortable routines, grip My hand tightly and look for growth opportunities. Instead of bemoaning the loss of your comfort, accept the challenge of something new. I lead you on from glory to glory, making you fit for My kingdom. Say yes to the ways I work in your life. Trust Me, and don't be afraid." Isaiah 12:2, Psalm 61:2-4, 2 Corinthians 3:18.
I just called the night nurse, and Joshua weighs exactly the same as last night; no more, no less. Not surprising since his diuretic dose doubled, but it's still disappointing. Grow baby, grow!
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